Surrender

Breathe in…

let it go…

Breathe in…

…and let go…

The fight is tiring

The battle hard

It is silent

…secret

and scarred

Let it go…

But what then?

Control is my fiend

And my friend…

Breathe in

Let it go…

Trust and surrender

who I know

Exposed and in view

I breathe in…

and see you

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The heaviness of being…

You know those days when you just aren’t feeling “yourself”?

Such a strange thing to say when you think about it…how can you not feel yourself”?

How can you not be your self?

…who else can you be?

It’s a feeling of not quite being “right”, of not being connected to your sense of what feels normal for you…

Your vision of your “self” that knows how to behave and go through the motions of life, how to put on a brave face for the waiting world…this idea of self is totally unavailable and you wonder where you’ve gone?

It is at best annoying and at worst scary as hell…as you are suddenly at once both the witness and the weirdo

The haze around your own personal outlook on the world seems so visible you are convinced it will walk in to the room and announce you’re apparent craziness on your behalf

Connecting with others feels near impossible, as you fear they’ll sense your absence…or worse, try to cross over and join you

Energy low, the weight around your will to move is a heaviness that seems to come from your very soul

Such a strange feeling…have you ever felt it?

It almost feels like the universe has quietly taken a hold of your body and momentarily suspended it from being capable of movement, motivation or momentum.

It’s not boredom

It’s not tiredness

It’s not laziness

But it is as though you just need to stop

Regroup

Refocus

Allow your thoughts to go inward for a while

I’ve learnt that it’s not weird

Or crazy

Or scary…

And it is still absolutely you being, and feeling, your one and only “self”

Just another piece of yourself…that part who knows it’s actually okay to stop once in a while

That the world beyond the haze will just have to wait

…and the connections you feel so compelled to maintain on the outside, will just have to be patient for a while…as you reconnect with the world that’s so obviously needing you more on the inside…

And that’s where you will truly find yourself

Bubbles

Diamonds afloat

They crackle and shine

Pop pockets of joy suspended in time

Tender caress

Envelops my cares

Heavy surrender of today’s weariness

Movement brings warmth

And stillness brings calm

Fluid so softly…safe world of mine

Absence

I love my husband, but I love it so much more when he goes away…

I’m really brave writing that, aren’t I??? Considering he’s pretty much the only person who reads all my blog posts (well, at least I think he does)

Don’t get me wrong, I do love him…with every ounce of my being!

But hear me out…(dearest hubby and anyone else bored/foolish/strange enough to be reading this)

Being happy when he’s not here is actually a huge thing for me…

After years of struggling with crippling, infantile behaviour inducing, (and downright inconvenient!) separation anxiety, I am finally free and it feels amazing!

It took a long time, my friends.

Hours and hours of counselling and self reflection, steps forwards, leaps back and with the help of the unwavering love and patience of said husband who was both the unwitting cause and cure to my curse…I finally relieved myself of this burden.

There’s so much more I could say on this subject, in order to accurately convey the whole mess that it (and I) was for all those years…and maybe I will one day…

But for now, I just want to share this little piece of my heart…

To learn to be at home with your thoughts and completely on your own

The old so used and comforting but now a new way’s shown…

To embrace the space that comes from holding a healed heart

To know the joy of leaving fear as you behold your own work of art

When you feel safe and saved and brave…’cause you’ve seen the other side…

Knowing you are both the victim and the victor, the lonely child still inside

Darkness cruel and unrelenting in its bid to be your end

Battles fought and dragon slain, that most feared is now your friend…

Fault lines

You can’t see me, but it’s not your fault Your eyes are closed by fear of sight

Closed to pain

Closed to grief

Closed to reason

You can’t feel me but it’s not your fault Your arms are wrapped tight around your story

Full of reasons

Full of rage

Full of blame

You can’t love me but it’s not your fault as you can’t love yourself

Can’t love

Can’t reason

Can’t apologise

I can only hold me and all my fault

As I see myself
I also see you…

I see

I rage

I apologise

I question

I reason

I grieve

I give up

I hold me tighter, I see myself more

and then, because I don’t know what else to do…

I love us both

No white pill

Even the happiest of people get anxious.

Sane people

Normal people

People who do good

It does not discriminate but it does incriminate…

It can creep up on you like an unexpected headache, without reason or cause…when you haven’t drunk too much booze and know you’ve slept well and you really should feel fine…but suddenly it’s there…

And you just can’t understand why your head is throbbing?

Annoying at worst and curable by white pills as best…most of us would choose a headache over this sneaky, consuming and isolating grey haze that can threaten to steal our peace and happiness

…suddenly and uninvited the slowly haze appears…

The walls close in, the room grows small, there’s an echo in your ears

…all alone your companion now a dread of unlived years

As panic, heart beat, races, rises, unexpected fears

Emotions drown, you swallow down a lump of unshed tears…

You still do good

You still do normal

You still try to do sane

But there’s no magic white pill

Only grey…

Until happiness decides

to find you again

Hidden doors

I'm driving my son to work, well technically he's driving, but being on his L (learner) plates I still need to accompany him to supervise.

We're driving down a road we've travelled on many, many, many times as it's a main road that runs from our house to the city, work and uni (did I mention…many times??)

As we pulled up at the red light, my head was turned to the left, daydreaming a bit and people watching as I often do…(oh, don't worry…my son is "this close" to getting his licence and a very competent driver) when I noticed a new, tiny alley way splitting the familiar shops in two.

The cutest little narrow walkway that linked the main road to the side street behind.

It was actually jarring

WHAT? Where in the hell did that come from??!

Honestly I've lived in this city for 40 years, I've driven down (or been driven down) this road hundreds of times. Heck, I've even walked down this road and right past this section.

So when did this Harry Potter portal suddenly appear?

Truth

The alley wasn't new. Nope, it's always been there…

But I've never seen it
Because I've never actually looked

I just see the same things I always see…each and every time I travel this road

The things I expect to see

Which got me thinking…

What else aren't I seeing?
What hidden alleys, paths and doors am I missing, as I travel down the road of my life only seeing what I expect to see…what I plan to see.

If I started paying more attention and looked a little more closely to the world framing my road…could I actually find things, people, thoughts and feelings that I didn't know existed?

That I wasn't expecting

Travel the same roads if you must
Daydream all you want…

But don't forget to pay attention from time to time

You never know what you'll find