Thoughts on life

The heaviness of being…

You know those days when you just aren’t feeling “yourself”?

Such a strange thing to say when you think about it…how can you not feel yourself”?

How can you not be your self?

…who else can you be?

It’s a feeling of not quite being “right”, of not being connected to your sense of what feels normal for you…

Your vision of your “self” that knows how to behave and go through the motions of life, how to put on a brave face for the waiting world…this idea of self is totally unavailable and you wonder where you’ve gone?

It is at best annoying and at worst scary as hell…as you are suddenly at once both the witness and the weirdo

The haze around your own personal outlook on the world seems so visible you are convinced it will walk in to the room and announce you’re apparent craziness on your behalf

Connecting with others feels near impossible, as you fear they’ll sense your absence…or worse, try to cross over and join you

Energy low, the weight around your will to move is a heaviness that seems to come from your very soul

Such a strange feeling…have you ever felt it?

It almost feels like the universe has quietly taken a hold of your body and momentarily suspended it from being capable of movement, motivation or momentum.

It’s not boredom

It’s not tiredness

It’s not laziness

But it is as though you just need to stop

Regroup

Refocus

Allow your thoughts to go inward for a while

I’ve learnt that it’s not weird

Or crazy

Or scary…

And it is still absolutely you being, and feeling, your one and only “self”

Just another piece of yourself…that part who knows it’s actually okay to stop once in a while

That the world beyond the haze will just have to wait

…and the connections you feel so compelled to maintain on the outside, will just have to be patient for a while…as you reconnect with the world that’s so obviously needing you more on the inside…

And that’s where you will truly find yourself

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