Thoughts on life

Hidden doors

I'm driving my son to work, well technically he's driving, but being on his L (learner) plates I still need to accompany him to supervise.

We're driving down a road we've travelled on many, many, many times as it's a main road that runs from our house to the city, work and uni (did I mention…many times??)

As we pulled up at the red light, my head was turned to the left, daydreaming a bit and people watching as I often do…(oh, don't worry…my son is "this close" to getting his licence and a very competent driver) when I noticed a new, tiny alley way splitting the familiar shops in two.

The cutest little narrow walkway that linked the main road to the side street behind.

It was actually jarring

WHAT? Where in the hell did that come from??!

Honestly I've lived in this city for 40 years, I've driven down (or been driven down) this road hundreds of times. Heck, I've even walked down this road and right past this section.

So when did this Harry Potter portal suddenly appear?

Truth

The alley wasn't new. Nope, it's always been there…

But I've never seen it
Because I've never actually looked

I just see the same things I always see…each and every time I travel this road

The things I expect to see

Which got me thinking…

What else aren't I seeing?
What hidden alleys, paths and doors am I missing, as I travel down the road of my life only seeing what I expect to see…what I plan to see.

If I started paying more attention and looked a little more closely to the world framing my road…could I actually find things, people, thoughts and feelings that I didn't know existed?

That I wasn't expecting

Travel the same roads if you must
Daydream all you want…

But don't forget to pay attention from time to time

You never know what you'll find

family, humour, Thoughts on life

Boiling point

I’m not the world’s most patient person. 

Not even close 

Barking dogs in my street annoy me, I get angry when I hear cars being “revved” unnecessarily in my neighbors driveways

I’m trying to relax to my Chillout Lounge Ambience megamix, thank you very much…

and don’t even get me started on my neighbours late night parties with his Doov Doov mus- no, noise (seriously mate, that’s NOT music!) pounding through my walls til 4am!!

I don’t like noise unless it’s my own. I especially don’t like my neighbours noise.

Okay, perhaps I just don’t like my neighbours

which is weird – seeing as I actually married one – but that’s a whole other story…

Anyway, the house next door always emits strange sounds. It is old, and extremely close to our fence line, which also happens to sit along my bead head 

like, literally. 

Our bedroom wall is their back fence

When they walk through their house it’s like elephants on parade. When they slam doors it gives me whiplash. And when they run through their back yard it’s like the whole damn zoo is charging.

At my head

While I’m trying to sleep

Did I mention I don’t have much patience??

They always seem to be up late

Not always partying with late music (which is a shame, as at least I could get the cops sympathy on that one)

No…just living

late

…and LOUD

In fact, it almost seems like they deliberately stay quiet, until just before I’m about to go to bed.

I’ve even considered moving, because – seriously – how do you have that kind of conflict resolution conversation?

Ummm, excuse me mate, would you mind terribly ummm – not walking, using your doors or living? Cheers, thanks, oh, and while I’m here can I borrow some sugar?”

Yeah….right!

But the other day I found sweet salvation

Sitting in the lounge quite late at night, I was rejoicing in the realisation that it had finally gone quiet next door and I could, perhaps, actually go to bed and get some sleep before the dawn chorus woke me (oh I forgot to mention…not only are they late night party animals with no taste in music…they also happen to be tradies who develop elephantisis at 5am as well)

With everyone else in my house either in bed or preparing for said activity, the house went deathly quiet as soon as I switched off the TV

Tick

tick

Tick

That’s when I heard it…
The most beautiful sound in the world!

The most God awful rattling, gurgling, popping, wheezing and just plain ANNOYING sound I’d ever had the pleasure of hearing…

And it was coming from my house.

From the side of my house where noisy neighbours live..

From very, very close to the house where I assumed my dear neighbours would now be peacefully slumbering…

Hallelujah!!!

It turns out we own a defective, loud and just plain irritatingly NOISY hot water system

One that could easily wake the neighbours, their dogs and quite possibly the elephants too…

             * * *

Almost midnight…

Time to jump in the shower!

Thoughts on life

Losing to win

I thought I knew everything there was to know about winning.

As a child I was always the “achiever”, winning art competitions, succeeding in all areas I applied my little self to and bringing home school reports that resembled Alcoholics Anonymous flyers….yes I was your typical “straight A” overachiever. 

I started ballroom dancing when I was 11 and from the moment my feet hit that sprung floor and I buckled my first (very own!) pair of silver t-bar heels onto pudgy feet I just knew this would be my passion! 

Each and every dance style moved me in a way I couldn’t describe…the old time music felt so familiar, and made me feel like I was a silver screen starlet who’d found herself somehow thrust 40 years into the future.

With Australian and English blood running under my pasty white skin, I shouldn’t have felt so connected to the Cuban beats my dance teacher blasted each time a Cha Cha or Rumba needed to be practiced but to me it felt like home. 

I desperately wanted to be out on the floor, competing in the amateur division! 

Sequins and feathers

Glitter and makeup

Heels and fake tan

…Heaven!

I tried so many times but for some reason I couldn’t stick at it long enough to make it work.

I so wanted to win but I hated to lose even more.

So instead of dancing

Instead of losing

Instead of winning…

I ran

Ran from the anxiety, ran from the fear. Ran from the chance of failure and the possibility of feeling inadequate 

The overwhelming panic of being judged and ridiculed. 

Of not being perfect 

Of not getting it right

Of not doing better than the others (that couldn’t possibly be allowed to happen!)

Of not being good enough

Fast forward 30 years….
I am sitting here with makeup and tan on, dresses packed and heels at the ready. 

It’s been 5 years since I took up competitive dancing again at the sensible, reckless and determined age of 35.

5 years since I made the commitment to my dance partner that we’d be a team and ride the wave together.

5 years of sometimes losing 

5 years of sometimes winning 

5 years of choosing not to run each and every time the fear, anxiety and self doubt arose.

I have learnt to enjoy coming last

It means I have more work to do and something more to achieve.

It does not mean I’ve failed

I stopped losing and started winning the moment I decided to stop running

So today I will just do my best. I hope to do well and it would be lovely if I win…

But if not? 

That’s okay too because I’ve truly already won

Thoughts on life

Fear is easy

“what if I fall? Oh but my darling what if you fly?”

It’s easy to be scared

Embracing the new, leaving the old…learning to find yourself and starting again, we’ve all been there (maybe right at this moment) and let’s face it, it sucks

It’s SCARY

It calls upon relying on a strength we may not remember, fully believe or possibly even know we possess…

It’s something we are all born with but sadly many lose somewhere along the way

It’s the very thing that bonds us with caregivers and binds us to life…

trust

The simple yet elusive act of believing we are safe and that the future is too…

It’s a big word despite its minimal letters. 

Those two little constenants surrounding “you” and book ended by two humble and well-worn “t’s” is what we need to believe the next step is coming…even though we’ve lost sight of the ladder

What are we so afraid of?

Afraid to fail. Afraid to fall. Afraid of not knowing. Afraid of making the wrong choice. Afraid to be in the void. Afraid of rejection and afraid of being afraid…

But haven’t we been there before? 

Think about it…before we were old enough to be capable of questioning outcomes we believed in our “selves”. We trusted our journeys, followed our little hearts where they led us, enjoying the adventure of discovering what we liked, who we were and what made our hearts sing (or dance!)

We didn’t chastise or question ourselves if our favourite colour changed from green to yellow, our preference for playing soccer turned to football or we decided we simply preferred English to Math.

We trusted our instincts and our choices, trusted the path we were finding ourselves on and believing with childlike innocence that it would lead us to our future selves…one day

What if we still allowed ourselves this perspective on new beginnings?

Saw ourselves not as adults who question and worry, adults who are afraid to “start again” but instead as children who are still on our trusted journey, which is bound to change but which we still allow ourselves to be simply and happily on regardless!

What if we think of ourselves in this way?
…it actually isn’t easier to be afraid…it’s in fact much more natural and effortless to trust.

To continue on the path we’ve always been walking…allowing the wisdom of adulthood to help, not hinder, the journey.

But, what if I fall???

“Oh but my darling…

…what if you FLY!!”

Poetry, quotes, Thoughts on life

Wings

image Be like the crow flying high above the trees, hearing the chatter of the other birds within the rustling leaves but knowing she doesn’t have to settle amongst them….for she’s wise enough to know that the very same winds causing them to cling to the branches, not trusting their wings, is precisely what allows her to fly!

Thoughts on life, Uncategorized

Life is but a dream….

“Row, row, row your boat gently down the stream…”

Oh how we complicate things…us busy humans…filling each and every moment with unnecessary noise, action, drama, stuff.

The need to’s
and have to’s
and should do’s

Barely a minute to think
Hardly a moment to feel
Never a second to dream…

Speed of body, shortness of breathe… desperate to shave seconds off a frantic race…

Eyes dart from screen to screen, icons and Icons pulling our attention to matters of massive importance.

A fear of missing out
Of not knowing
Of not seeing

Information screaming at a pace quicker than the rate of our pulse…we sit in discomfort yet still we listen.

What if we simply stopped?
What if we just sat
And waited
And let the silence surround us…

Let the beat of our heart dictate the pace?
Let the sounds of our mind direct our thoughts?
Let the voice of our hearts begin to sing…

Feel the ever present power within that needs no signs or noise or flashing reminders…

Let that be enough

And simply breathe

….”merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily….”

Thoughts on life, Thoughts on self

Tired and sick….or sick and tired?

image

I’m exhausted today

EX-HAUS-TED

Not the “I’ve had a bad night sleep” or “woken up a bit too early” kind of tired….but a heavy, dreary, sickly, can’t lift my arms, “kill me now” kind of exhaustion that can only mean one of 3 things.

1. I’m pegnant. Ummm, hell no. That ship has well and truly sailed (as in, I can just see it on the horizon but can’t actually make out the colour of the pirate flag on the crows nest fullblown departure) No. That’s definitely not the reason…

2. I’m “coming down with something”. Possibly….I do seem to use this excuse a lot. Then again, I do seem to “come down with things” a lot. I won’t really know for sure for another day or two…when I will either become actually sick…or lament to anyone who’ll listen about how tired I was the other day for no apparent reason.

Or…..

3. Life has just caught up. When I really stop and think about it – life has been kind of pissing me off lately…

Even when I try to be congenial.
Even though I smile. (A lot)
Even when I’ve read Deepak Chopras latest best seller til I feel as though I actually wrote it myself
Even when I’ve meditated til I’m on the ceiling, looking down at my own little pissed off self…

Even though I try to love my job, understand my family and everything they are going through, be grateful, deep breathe, eat well, exercise, be happy exactly where I am, (cause it’s “exactly where I need to be”…trust me, I know ’cause The Universe told me!) trust my instincts, follow my guides, visualise a better future, eat fruit/remind my boys to eat fruit/buy more fruit, filter my water, and get 8 hours sleep….

…life is still hard.

(no wonder I’m so friggen tired)

I think I might go take a Panadol

or a pregnancy test.

I’ve decided that option 3 just isn’t an option anymore.

And I’m tired just thinking about it…..