Thoughts on self

The Closer You Look

Mirror mirror…

Eyes
Lips
Skin
Face

Wrinkle, grey hair, pimple, crows feet, brown spot, redness, dry patch, open pore, crease…

This bit too shiny, that part too dry

Uneven and imperfect, discolored and blemished…

The closer you look, the more you see

Why do we let a mirror question our beauty?

(It’s only a piece of glass reflecting what we see)

Each glorious day spent laughing and enjoying life is imbedded in our skin, every smile convincing the lines to stay forever curved upward.

Grey hairs of adulthood, blemishes to defy the loss of youth…as hormones continue to dance and our life force flows…

However lined and weary, those eyes have looked into our childrens’, as they took their first breath….

and gazed upward to witness the universe

Our lips have kissed..

                  …and breathed…

And spoken our truths…

and lovingly (desperately!) told our loved ones just what they mean to us.

Our skin has felt the warmth of the sun, the touch of a lover and the heartbeat of a newborn…

Our face (although imperfect) is cherished by those who love us back

and when gone…

will be missed far more than we’ll ever know…

So why do we look to a mirror to define our beauty??

Afterall, it’s only a piece of glass reflecting what we see

And the closer you look…

the more you’ll see

Poetry, quotes, Thoughts on life

Wings

image Be like the crow flying high above the trees, hearing the chatter of the other birds within the rustling leaves but knowing she doesn’t have to settle amongst them….for she’s wise enough to know that the very same winds causing them to cling to the branches, not trusting their wings, is precisely what allows her to fly!

Thoughts on life, Uncategorized

Life is but a dream….

“Row, row, row your boat gently down the stream…”

Oh how we complicate things…us busy humans…filling each and every moment with unnecessary noise, action, drama, stuff.

The need to’s
and have to’s
and should do’s

Barely a minute to think
Hardly a moment to feel
Never a second to dream…

Speed of body, shortness of breathe… desperate to shave seconds off a frantic race…

Eyes dart from screen to screen, icons and Icons pulling our attention to matters of massive importance.

A fear of missing out
Of not knowing
Of not seeing

Information screaming at a pace quicker than the rate of our pulse…we sit in discomfort yet still we listen.

What if we simply stopped?
What if we just sat
And waited
And let the silence surround us…

Let the beat of our heart dictate the pace?
Let the sounds of our mind direct our thoughts?
Let the voice of our hearts begin to sing…

Feel the ever present power within that needs no signs or noise or flashing reminders…

Let that be enough

And simply breathe

….”merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily….”

Thoughts on life, Thoughts on self

Tired and sick….or sick and tired?

image

I’m exhausted today

EX-HAUS-TED

Not the “I’ve had a bad night sleep” or “woken up a bit too early” kind of tired….but a heavy, dreary, sickly, can’t lift my arms, “kill me now” kind of exhaustion that can only mean one of 3 things.

1. I’m pegnant. Ummm, hell no. That ship has well and truly sailed (as in, I can just see it on the horizon but can’t actually make out the colour of the pirate flag on the crows nest fullblown departure) No. That’s definitely not the reason…

2. I’m “coming down with something”. Possibly….I do seem to use this excuse a lot. Then again, I do seem to “come down with things” a lot. I won’t really know for sure for another day or two…when I will either become actually sick…or lament to anyone who’ll listen about how tired I was the other day for no apparent reason.

Or…..

3. Life has just caught up. When I really stop and think about it – life has been kind of pissing me off lately…

Even when I try to be congenial.
Even though I smile. (A lot)
Even when I’ve read Deepak Chopras latest best seller til I feel as though I actually wrote it myself
Even when I’ve meditated til I’m on the ceiling, looking down at my own little pissed off self…

Even though I try to love my job, understand my family and everything they are going through, be grateful, deep breathe, eat well, exercise, be happy exactly where I am, (cause it’s “exactly where I need to be”…trust me, I know ’cause The Universe told me!) trust my instincts, follow my guides, visualise a better future, eat fruit/remind my boys to eat fruit/buy more fruit, filter my water, and get 8 hours sleep….

…life is still hard.

(no wonder I’m so friggen tired)

I think I might go take a Panadol

or a pregnancy test.

I’ve decided that option 3 just isn’t an option anymore.

And I’m tired just thinking about it…..

humanism, life

A million tears

I am sitting in a crowded airport lounge

Crying

.     .     .

I haven’t been moved to pause my busy life long enough to write anything down in a long time…. No poems. No funny anecdotes.

Nothing.

But today I am feeling moved.
Today I am feeling
Today I am crying

The shocking surrealism of finding terror in your own back yard.
The closeness of the fear.
The tears of our usually smiling news readers…

The realisation that no one is immune to pain.

As the long held in tears took over my weary eyes I found myself – most uncharacteristically – not caring who saw. In fact….I wanted someone to see.

I wanted everyone in the airport to see.

Not for pity
Not for sympathy

Simply for humanity

This man sitting oposite me, typing an email…I have never met and probably won’t see ever again.

This group of Asian business men…I don’t understand their conversation or know where they live.

The waitress cleaning up after our mass unrelenting consumption of wine and meals…I don’t know her story either.

But if I saw them crying

…even if I didn’t  know the reason….

I would care

And if someone unknown to all of us walked in with a gun

and stole their stories…

I would care.

If we all suddenly found ourselves clinging to each other as we hung on to our hope, our stories… our lives

we would care

Maybe we should start now…

life, Poetry

Fear just down the road

What is this overwhelming sadness…
This longing, this darkness, this void

An absence of something that was never there, but missed all the same.
A feeling of not belonging and not knowing why

Who is she….this voice that’s silent
Finger pressed to mocking lips
Making a secret of the noise within?

Here is where doubt lies
Here is where confidence dies
Here is where joy departs
Here is where the nothing starts

Tears just behind
Grief just below
Pain just out of sight
Fear just down the road….

This familiar foe, unwelcome and uninvited
Hiding in the shadows

Watching…

Waiting…

…Like a dark cloud

a haze

a fog

a burden

It creeps and it follows…
It covers and then settles…

Leaving no air
Leaving no light

Desperately balancing on a pinhead of hope as the world falls away beneath clumsy feet

Still to fight
Still to cling

Still to fall

This exquisite drawing by http://sketchylinesoflife.blogspot.com.au/2012/11/falling-up.html
This exquisite drawing by http://sketchylinesoflife.blogspot.com.au/2012/11/falling-up.html
family, life

Love….of a different kind

An amazing thing happened to me a couple of weeks ago and I’ve been wanting to write it down ever since but wasn’t sure if I should…

Let me start by saying I don’t believe in ghosts. At least…I don’t think I do.

I think I believe in spirits…well…let’s just say I’m getting more used to the idea as I get older

But I DO believe in love

* * *
A text msg to my sister was not answered as fast as usual.
Knowing she was working through some differences with other family members I wondered if I’d said or done something wrong…

Doubt rising, worry filling in the blanks, I feared the worst

The whole day passed and the reply finally came back.
Colder than normal and in a strangers “voice” it confirmed my suspicions.

All night and the next morning I grappled with the most natural of human instincts…fight or run (in other words, hide and avoid dealing with the conflict my brain was inventing)

I knew I needed to call. I knew I’d done nothing wrong.

But I also didn’t know what was going on…all I knew that there was a massive disconnect in my family that I hadn’t been able to fix…and I feared it was about to get worse.

Fear. Worry. Doubt. Pain. Repressed “stuff” (we all have it…)

I felt numb

Then, for some strange reason, driving to work, I saw my Nans face in my mind. The brevity of time spent with her before she passed, did nothing to minimise the love I still felt for her.

Love. Family. Connection. Life

I found myself clinging to this feeling.
I felt my heart grow with a fullness of warmth and light.
I realised then, that all my efforts to stay distant and avoid possible conflict wasn’t actually the answer, but I just couldn’t get past all the negativity that had settled into my bones…

So I sent all that love outwards into the universe and said

“I need your help Nan. Our family needs your help. You’ve done it once before…(I know it was you and Grandad who did it last time!) please help fix our family….”

I arrived at work, went about my day, called my sister, had a really good talk, reconnected, cried a bit, laughed a lot and then went to my dance lesson….filled with a newfound optimism that my family would, in fact, be okay!

* * *

Driving home two hours later I did what I always did while driving…singing along to very loud music I had my very own little in-car party.

Somewhere in between “Livin La Vida Loca” and a Coldplay song I can’t quite remember….

…I saw her

I stopped singing.
Stopped breathing.
I wondered briefly whether I’d been thinking about her without realising it?
(It was like she was there)

Then it hit me.

A smile that came from somewhere surreal, filled my face without effort.

Goosebumps ran up and down my arms, though I was feeling anything but cold…

“Oh…thanks, Nan…” I whispered