Thoughts on life, Thoughts on work

Don’t let me die now, ok?

I’m driving through a green traffic light and thinking…

I’m only forty and I could get hit by a red light runner right now and die…

…and my life would end while I’m feeling like I haven’t really lived yet

what a shame

It occurred to me that for the past 9 years the happiest I’ve ever been in my career is when I’m leaving jobs I hate…
It doesn’t bare any significance for me that I have actually been very good at all these jobs.

I’ve earnt great money, held the impressive job titles, worked for companies others desired to be a part of and yet…

…I’ve been miserable.

Empty, disconnected and dragging my tired, yearning soul through meaningless days

It’s hard to express in words the heaviness that fills your limbs, the lack of clarity or interest in tasks you once used to like…

it’s as though your very essence is blocked, nothing feels right and it seems you are playing a role without believing the script…

And here I am again

2 days from a final goodbye that will bring familiar feelings of regret and relief, sadness and satisfaction, chaos and closure.

I both love it and fear it

I know this game so well yet I feel compelled to change course…it’s as though some quiet voice of reason is telling me to be brave.

“…you are destined for more, you’ve only scratched the surface my dear…you are different to them and better than all this and you just don’t belong here…”

One minute I’m playing a game of poker and holding the biggest pile of chips…the next I’m doing a jigsaw puzzle with a million pieces and no picture to guide my hand.

My eyes are wide open but I don’t know what to focus on

I’ve brainstormed, quiz-completed, friend-talked, book-read, passion-hunted and mind-mapped every single possibility to the point of exhaustion..

I sense the void of unemployment nudging itself over the horizon and into my peripheral

I feel the thrill of new beginnings and new possibilities…but I carry the burden of decisions I am not yet able to make and questions I can’t answer

“So what now?”

(Shrug) I don’t know

“What do you want to do?”

(Sigh) I honestly don’t know

“Yeah but, what do you want to BE when you grow up?”

I actually have no fucking idea

So please don’t let me die yet

Ok?

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crap I say, entertainment, humour, life, Uncategorized

A or B + C (- D?) = ENFJ

I arose from bed today aching and tired, my head pounding and basically feeling like a half baked dog poo pie, so I decided I needed to give myself the day off and do absolutely nothing…all day!

…so of course I spent the whole day doing endless personality quizzes I found on Google.

I am feeling restless (again) in my job, sales management, but not really knowing what I want to do different…and I convinced myself I would find my answer on my iPad!

They are surprisingly easy, fun and for the most part, completely bloody inaccurate

The first one had a fancy name but it was basically just Myer-Briggs in disguise. Don’t get me wrong…I love Myer-Briggs! (I am a firm believer in the wisdom of those 4 little letters) but if you’re going to rip someone off, be honest about it!

Still, it was comforting to know that after 14 years, 2 children, running my own business, moving states twice, feeling like a crap filled savoury pastry, AND….after taking the test under false pretences (that it was in fact a fancy new psychological test offering profound, previously unknown insight into “who” I am!!)…I am STILL an ENFJ.

I guess I really am then.

So, according to the wisdom of this online guru, I should probably stay in “Sales” or try teaching or HR, but avoid large corporations and the Police Department….

The next one was called the Dewey Colour System and looked really interesting as it was as simple as choosing colours you like!
I was sure I would find myself in a pot of personality GOLD at the end of this rainbow but, alas…all it did was fill my inbox with endless emails trying to convince me I should become a Dental Assistant and avoid selling as I really don’t like it. (hmmmm…probably shouldn’t pursue a career in sales then….)

I plan on doing it again and choosing different colours until I get a more suitable selection of suggested careers

A lot easier than trying to decide if I am “diligent” or “committed” (I’m sorry, isn’t that a synonym??)

or whether I am “least likely to see the big picture and spontaneously work towards it on my own in a methodical manner” or “most likely to be detail oriented but prefer not to work in a team to create the end result based on meticulous planning”

is that a trick question?

Then I took a 60 page quiz which was reassuringly lengthy and seemed to be doing a thorough job of “secretly picking” my brain…to surely reveal my innermost desires and the perfect job for me, without me having to actually go to the trouble of thinking about it and making a decision for myself.

Fantastic! Halfway through and I am feeling like Freud himself is sitting inside my iPad probing my sore head and waiting to direct my professional fate.

Until I got to question 43 which asked…

Why are you taking this quiz?:
a. I would like to find a new job in sales
b. I would like to find a new job in a technical field
c. I would like to find a new job in the police department
d. I would like to find a new job working with animals

seriously?

why did you bother asking me the other 59 questions when you were secretly planning to ask me the answer all along?

And if I knew the answer to that question…I wouldn’t be doing this God-damn quiz, I’d be wasting my well needed day off browsing SEEK instead!

That’s a half hour of my life I’ll never get back…time which (apparently) would have been much better spent applying for a job at my local Dental Surgery.

oh well. at least my headache is gone. I’m feeling much better!

maybe I should look into a career in blogging……