Thoughts on life, Thoughts on work

Don’t let me die now, ok?

I’m driving through a green traffic light and thinking…

I’m only forty and I could get hit by a red light runner right now and die…

…and my life would end while I’m feeling like I haven’t really lived yet

what a shame

It occurred to me that for the past 9 years the happiest I’ve ever been in my career is when I’m leaving jobs I hate…
It doesn’t bare any significance for me that I have actually been very good at all these jobs.

I’ve earnt great money, held the impressive job titles, worked for companies others desired to be a part of and yet…

…I’ve been miserable.

Empty, disconnected and dragging my tired, yearning soul through meaningless days

It’s hard to express in words the heaviness that fills your limbs, the lack of clarity or interest in tasks you once used to like…

it’s as though your very essence is blocked, nothing feels right and it seems you are playing a role without believing the script…

And here I am again

2 days from a final goodbye that will bring familiar feelings of regret and relief, sadness and satisfaction, chaos and closure.

I both love it and fear it

I know this game so well yet I feel compelled to change course…it’s as though some quiet voice of reason is telling me to be brave.

“…you are destined for more, you’ve only scratched the surface my dear…you are different to them and better than all this and you just don’t belong here…”

One minute I’m playing a game of poker and holding the biggest pile of chips…the next I’m doing a jigsaw puzzle with a million pieces and no picture to guide my hand.

My eyes are wide open but I don’t know what to focus on

I’ve brainstormed, quiz-completed, friend-talked, book-read, passion-hunted and mind-mapped every single possibility to the point of exhaustion..

I sense the void of unemployment nudging itself over the horizon and into my peripheral

I feel the thrill of new beginnings and new possibilities…but I carry the burden of decisions I am not yet able to make and questions I can’t answer

“So what now?”

(Shrug) I don’t know

“What do you want to do?”

(Sigh) I honestly don’t know

“Yeah but, what do you want to BE when you grow up?”

I actually have no fucking idea

So please don’t let me die yet

Ok?

crap I say, life, Poetry

My love

The One

My love….

The one I chose
The one I choose

The one I choose to keep in my heart

The one…

The one my heart longs for
The one I long to be with

My love…

The one I belong to
The one I belong with

Where belonging is enough

One love
My love….

The One

“My love” – what does it mean? When we talk about someone we are crazy about, who we’d die for, can’t live without and feel overwhelming feelings for…we tuck them safely into our hearts and call them our “love”.

But is it more than simply a label, a declaration of ownership that it appears to be?

Because love is a fuel for our souls, it is exchanged by everyone and is the currency for all feelings.

Some people take more than they give (we all know these people!)
others give way too much…and the more we have, the happier we are.

…by saying “my love” it implies that this other person is someone whom you can draw your much needed love from….love as a tactile thing you can hold, feel and be nourished by….

They are a source of love for you….your “love”!

We don’t refer to past lovers or enemies as “my hate“….

Of course not, hate is not something we give or take, it is simply the absence of love.

* * *

Feeling a bit philosophical…..and also feeling the love 🙂

Keep it real

Mandy xx

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