Thoughts on life, Thoughts on work

Don’t let me die now, ok?

I’m driving through a green traffic light and thinking…

I’m only forty and I could get hit by a red light runner right now and die…

…and my life would end while I’m feeling like I haven’t really lived yet

what a shame

It occurred to me that for the past 9 years the happiest I’ve ever been in my career is when I’m leaving jobs I hate…
It doesn’t bare any significance for me that I have actually been very good at all these jobs.

I’ve earnt great money, held the impressive job titles, worked for companies others desired to be a part of and yet…

…I’ve been miserable.

Empty, disconnected and dragging my tired, yearning soul through meaningless days

It’s hard to express in words the heaviness that fills your limbs, the lack of clarity or interest in tasks you once used to like…

it’s as though your very essence is blocked, nothing feels right and it seems you are playing a role without believing the script…

And here I am again

2 days from a final goodbye that will bring familiar feelings of regret and relief, sadness and satisfaction, chaos and closure.

I both love it and fear it

I know this game so well yet I feel compelled to change course…it’s as though some quiet voice of reason is telling me to be brave.

“…you are destined for more, you’ve only scratched the surface my dear…you are different to them and better than all this and you just don’t belong here…”

One minute I’m playing a game of poker and holding the biggest pile of chips…the next I’m doing a jigsaw puzzle with a million pieces and no picture to guide my hand.

My eyes are wide open but I don’t know what to focus on

I’ve brainstormed, quiz-completed, friend-talked, book-read, passion-hunted and mind-mapped every single possibility to the point of exhaustion..

I sense the void of unemployment nudging itself over the horizon and into my peripheral

I feel the thrill of new beginnings and new possibilities…but I carry the burden of decisions I am not yet able to make and questions I can’t answer

“So what now?”

(Shrug) I don’t know

“What do you want to do?”

(Sigh) I honestly don’t know

“Yeah but, what do you want to BE when you grow up?”

I actually have no fucking idea

So please don’t let me die yet

Ok?

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life, Poetry

Fear just down the road

What is this overwhelming sadness…
This longing, this darkness, this void

An absence of something that was never there, but missed all the same.
A feeling of not belonging and not knowing why

Who is she….this voice that’s silent
Finger pressed to mocking lips
Making a secret of the noise within?

Here is where doubt lies
Here is where confidence dies
Here is where joy departs
Here is where the nothing starts

Tears just behind
Grief just below
Pain just out of sight
Fear just down the road….

This familiar foe, unwelcome and uninvited
Hiding in the shadows

Watching…

Waiting…

…Like a dark cloud

a haze

a fog

a burden

It creeps and it follows…
It covers and then settles…

Leaving no air
Leaving no light

Desperately balancing on a pinhead of hope as the world falls away beneath clumsy feet

Still to fight
Still to cling

Still to fall

This exquisite drawing by http://sketchylinesoflife.blogspot.com.au/2012/11/falling-up.html
This exquisite drawing by http://sketchylinesoflife.blogspot.com.au/2012/11/falling-up.html