I’m driving through a green traffic light and thinking…
I’m only forty and I could get hit by a red light runner right now and die…
…and my life would end while I’m feeling like I haven’t really lived yet
what a shame
It occurred to me that for the past 9 years the happiest I’ve ever been in my career is when I’m leaving jobs I hate…
It doesn’t bare any significance for me that I have actually been very good at all these jobs.
I’ve earnt great money, held the impressive job titles, worked for companies others desired to be a part of and yet…
…I’ve been miserable.
Empty, disconnected and dragging my tired, yearning soul through meaningless days
It’s hard to express in words the heaviness that fills your limbs, the lack of clarity or interest in tasks you once used to like…
it’s as though your very essence is blocked, nothing feels right and it seems you are playing a role without believing the script…
And here I am again
2 days from a final goodbye that will bring familiar feelings of regret and relief, sadness and satisfaction, chaos and closure.
I both love it and fear it
I know this game so well yet I feel compelled to change course…it’s as though some quiet voice of reason is telling me to be brave.
“…you are destined for more, you’ve only scratched the surface my dear…you are different to them and better than all this and you just don’t belong here…”
One minute I’m playing a game of poker and holding the biggest pile of chips…the next I’m doing a jigsaw puzzle with a million pieces and no picture to guide my hand.
My eyes are wide open but I don’t know what to focus on
I’ve brainstormed, quiz-completed, friend-talked, book-read, passion-hunted and mind-mapped every single possibility to the point of exhaustion..
I sense the void of unemployment nudging itself over the horizon and into my peripheral
I feel the thrill of new beginnings and new possibilities…but I carry the burden of decisions I am not yet able to make and questions I can’t answer
“So what now?”
(Shrug) I don’t know
“What do you want to do?”
(Sigh) I honestly don’t know
“Yeah but, what do you want to BE when you grow up?”
I actually have no fucking idea
So please don’t let me die yet